Morning Show Celebrity Deathmatch!!

Here in the fair city of Toronto, there is a nest of animosity brewing between a trio of perky morning show couples. Let's meet the contenders:

First, we have Mike and Erin. Don't they look nice?

These two work on CHFI, a smarmy adult-contemporary station that only moms with front-butt jeans listen to when driving their ungrateful brood to school in the mornings. Their TV commercials show them helping families get ready in the morning by hanging out in their house, drinking their orange juice, going through their closets, and trashing their kitchens (yeah, not kidding here).

In the other corner we have Stu and Colleen. Here are their smiling mugs:

Stu and Colleen's producers put better images on the web. Bravo, Stu and Colleen producers. These two host a competing smarmy adult-contemporary morning show on CJEZ, also known as "EZ Rock." There is your first reason to avoid it. The second reason to avoid CJEZ is they have Liza Gibbons as their shill. Stu and Colleen also have television spots, with Liza of course. Now, they don't trash people's houses... I guess they are going for the "we don't want our house trashed by adult-contemporary morning show personalities" demographic. Their demographic does, however, include the moms in front-butt jeans driving their brood to school. Now, Stu and Colleen throw the first punch in their TV spot when Liza asks them some mindless (quelle surprise!) question about how their show will not embarrass front-butt mom's children in the minivan and Stu says (as if inconsolably insulted), "We would NEVER do that!!" and Colleen, eternally perky, turns her hideously toothy grin towards the camera and says, "We want your children laughing with us!" Now, clearly, I take this as a cut against old Mike and Erin up above. I mean, they are THE competing adult-contemporary morning show in Toronto. Score one for Stu and Colleen.

Ah, but things get more complicated. While researching for this post, I ran into the sordid stories behind Stu, Colleen, Erin, and Mike... and these two characters I'll call "Mad Dog" and "Billie." I only call them this because that is what they call themselves.

I couldn't find pictures of "Mad Dog" and Billie (Bad producers!), but there are pictures of them in our subway. Needless to say, "Mad Dog" doesn't really live up to the moniker, visually. He's this normal looking guy, grinning like a fool. Billie is just this normal-looking chick as well. "Mad Dog" and Billie are on CKFM Mix 99.9. Note, they don't really compete for the adult-contemporary, front-butt mom crowd. They are slightly edgier... like aged cheddar.

This is all well and good, but all of these characters have a sordid past. At this point, I shall simply quote from Wikipedia... "CJEZ competes most closely with fellow adult contemporary station CHFI at 98.1. In the mid-2000s, it picked up veteran CHFI morning show host Erin Davis after that station cancelled her show with Bob Magee in favour of Mad-Dog and Billie, later known as Jay and Billie, younger morning hosts who had previously worked in contemporary hit and urban radio at KISS 92 FM. In 2005, CHFI rehired Davis for mornings, also hiring her co-host, longtime CJEZ morning personality Mike Cooper. For its new morning show, CJEZ hired Stu Jeffries and Colleen Rusholme away from Country 95.3." Then "Mad Dog" and Billie slinked over to 99.9.

So we've got the background of the bad blood between all of these guys. Now, with the main event, Justin with the play-by-play:

Justin (in media res):
Stu and Colleen have knocked Mike over, and are proceeding to beat his pudgy body to within inches of his life. Erin is nowhere to be seen, and Mad Dog and Billie are gloating from the corner. Really gloating. Gloating so hard, that they don't see Erin sneak up behind them with a serrated Bowie knife that cuts through their tender young throats like butter. Mike calls out again for help, and Stu and Colleen turn. They are too late. All that they see is to see a bright flash and billowing smoke. When the smoke clears, Erin is nowhere to be seen. All that remains is the lifeless, moderately attractive corpse of Billie and Mad Dog's severed, misshapen head, grinning in that especially dumb way (even in death). Stu and Collen return to pummelling Mike, when suddenly, out of the side-hatch bursts Erin, naked from head to foot, smeared with the blood of Mad Dog, and carrying a large sharpened stick decorated with Billie's ears. Colleen spins around just in time to see Erin throw back her head and ululate wildly as she raises the spear and plunges it deeply into Stu's comb-over. "The fat man's MINE," she shrieks, tearing Colleen's head from her shoulders bare-handed. "Erin?" squeaks Mike. "You bet your sweet fat ass," replies Erin huskily. They then make passionate love.

So there you have it, folks. I am proud to have my blog host the first (and last) ever Toronto Morning Show Celebrity Deathmatch. Note to all of you wanna-be morning show people out there - the Toronto market is screaming for some fresh blood. Just like Erin.