Stephen Colbert ends campaign

My personal Jesus, Stephen Colbert, has ended his run for the White House. He said in a statement, "Although I lost by the slimmest margin in presidential election history—only 10 votes—I have chosen not to put the country through another agonizing Supreme Court battle. It is time for this nation to heal."

Of course, I am completely gutted. I even got a tattoo of Stephen, naked, riding an eagle, holding an American flag as he flies out of the rising sun. Damn. I guess I'll have to get it reworked into Chinese characters that read "Crazy Delicious."

Yet another blow, both the Daily Show and Colbert are in reruns until the writers' strike is over. Perhaps I'll put on a puppet show tonight and make up my own jokes. I can be witty on topical issues. How about, "Today, Bush appeared before the press and told Musharraf that he needed to remove his military uniform, because it gave the wrong impression. No, it wasn't that Musharraf was heading up a military dictatorship that was merely posing as a democracy, rather the sharp tailoring on the suit was making his own attire look shabby."

Okay, I'll just wait for the strike to end.